As an entrepreneur, we all deal with fears, insecurities and negative voices. The truth is, we all have them and they grow like a muscle as you manage them. Insecurities has haunted me years on end. I remembered the first time I understood the word insecurity was back in 2010, I never believed in me. Truth is, if you don’t people will show up and reinforce that. I have been always the one who would after all is said and done understand…..it was your insecurities.
When I started my first learning center, my fear was physical, the space was at the back of a real estate office. I dread waking up and going in there the first week. I wanted to grow but I only had 20 clients. It was like knots in your stomach, that unwavering coil that just shows up and gives you the chills and forces you to question anything, everything and even nothing.
Now imagine this, 8 years later, I am still dealing with a different level of insecurity, I am still fearful of jumping blind, I always write things down. I still journal and truth is, I have about 20 journals over these years and I am always writing where I am going.
I remembered the first month I hit $10,000 per month. It was like a serial moment. It was winter, I recently read that journal post. I remembered looking at the bank statements and the feelings that I actually sat in a small space and sold $10,000 teaching. They are many teachers who are in admin that makes that kind of money. The grind, the work, the stress and the complaints they deal with is just out of this world.
Then I hit $15,000. I was literally fell out of my skin, I sat to reflect and ask what are the signs. Did you take all the messages…., go back through the marketing and see what patterns. Then I stretch into Baltimore, and then I hit $25,000 the second month. It was a period of self discovery. I had set myself up to fail. I was sleeping 4 hours nightly, I was managing my own marketing but I was pushing a lot. I like any alpha male, think go hunt, sell and serve. I was just riding. Last year, I hit $285,000 in sales. My insecurity muscle was growing stronger, I was taking bigger challenges and making daring moves and some were on point, and some faltered.
To say we crossed 1/4 million dollars in tutoring…. that to any one would blow their mind if they just see you as a little teacher in a corner. The stress levels on the other hand was just unbearable. I start most days at 5 am. I am out some nights till 2 am with my marketing team. I micro manage the entire last year and I play in new ventures measuring, tracking and challenging my fears.
This year, I got too smart for my own good and hired an office director, I literally hand over the whole operations in the office to a lady to manage the money. The thing I should have done myself, I outsourced. My books, and deposits. Recently, I reviewed her bank records and noticed the lady was depositing money from my company and even paying her car note from our funds.
You can’t explain the logic of giving someone control of your money in January, and on the February bank statement has their car note, March …car note and cash transfer, April….car note…cash transfer…and paying their credit card. The checks and balances are just off the charts when this total up to over $28,000 and then all the cash deposits went MIA. I grew enough guts in June to fire the lady…and she went off with the bank account with about $15,000 inside. So my insecurity of managing my own money became someone’s dream of getting access to free money.
Thanks for checks and balances, I caught myself out of $30,000 and then starting fighting back my way to reality. It was like if I took a trance after the successes and put all the feelings into my work. I felt winded and left out to dry. It was as if lost my way with success and outsource my freedom to someone else.
This was a moment of reality. I sat through a few court hiccups and realize that I had lowered my standards to allow someone to come in, take and then started a smear campaign against me and my family. I felt helpless at first and also trapped. Trapped in the fact that I started and empowered this individual but also I felt trapped in how do I sever this nightmare.
With low resources and parents on my trails over either service mishaps or cancellations, I was in one of the deepest periods of depressions I have ever endured as a business owner.
At the same time, I had defaulted on a contract to do some consulting for another company and I was just in a jam.
I choose to use my creativity and start a brand new company. Adding a new service company that serviced very similar audience as my main business and double sell. Offer addon’s and then go after big accounts.
It was the fastest I could have muster and it is the shortest I can think of as I looked at my life ebbing away over this fiasco.
I then realized that any insecurity you run from will be the fear that can take you out, I realized quickly that I can make this work with a strategy. I looked at the overall view of the company and then agreed, I can make it. I can face my insecurities and as was said in Things fall apart, “I can agree with my fears.”